On Learning Expensive Lessons

Reflecting on the strange ideology that temporarily shaped my worldview

UPDATE: Original version sent out was missing a chunk from the end! Below is the full version.

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In 2019, I made the biggest purchase I ever had in my life; $6,000 for a 90-day course.

The course was a business coaching “incubator” led by an influencer whose insight I at one time considered gospel. The curriculum was interesting and somewhat useful for my then-pertinent entrepreneurial endeavors, but in retrospect, something like $500 might’ve been a more rational price tag. I was all in on this world of building my own business and getting rich, though, so I paid the fee.

Inflated pricing–including the rates I came to charge for my own fitness coaching (per the advice of that course, mind you)–was, and likely still is, standard in the entrepreneurship/hustle culture/self-development echo chamber in which I’d become so deeply immersed.

Despite a concerning lack of external accreditation, creators and coaches in this niche preach an ideology which they know struggling entrepreneurs and aspiring influencers crave…

“Your prices reflect the value you place on yourself. If people don’t see that value, that’s their problem, not yours,” helped me justify my rather extreme overpricing.

“It all starts with your mindset. Once you get that right, you’ll be magnetic to clients,” falsely eased my anxiety around how nuanced I knew building a sustainable business would actually be.

And “You have to invest in yourself. If you don’t spend an uncomfortable amount of money on yourself, how can you expect others to do the same for you?” was the straw that broke the camel’s back when it came to my finally committing to pay the arbitrary rate of $6000 (the camel’s back, of course, being my bank account).

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I remember having a dangerous level of conviction in my worldview around this time in my life. I genuinely couldn’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to start their own business; people’s complacency in “the rat race”–AKA working a standard 9-5 job and earning a salary–seemed unfathomable. Who wouldn’t want the same excitement and purpose as I (convinced myself I) had?

I could recognize that this outlook was probably condescending and incomplete, but I figured if they only knew what it was like to have the freedom of self-employment (keep in mind that I still had a lot of financial support from my parents at this time and was horribly naive about my reality), OF COURSE they would quit their jobs and follow my lead. They just hadn’t been exposed to the same teachings I had been, so they didn’t understand it like I did.

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During this chapter of my life, I built my identity around being an entrepreneur. Everything from my social media persona to my college major to my vision for the rest of my life involved being successfully self-employed. Everything, that is, except for the part of it that involved having success.

My career as an online fitness coach was sometimes promising and often fulfilling ¹, but at no point could I take an objective look at the numbers and honestly claim that my business was thriving.

Instead, I tended to focus more on playing the role. I kicked off my mornings with stretching, meditation, and cold showers. I invested thousands of dollars into coaches to teach me how to be a better coach (believe it or not, the above-mentioned course was just the tip of the iceberg). I read the books, legally incorporated the businesses, and achieved the oh-so-lauded mindset of growth and abundance (whatever that actually means).

All the while, I hated making sales calls, constantly stressed over next month’s income, and felt that I’d hit a dead end of people I could convert to paying clients. Maybe I was a little hard on myself, but alas, something deep in me knew that I couldn’t make this work for much longer.

I eventually transitioned out of coaching and into leading the development of a startup with some friends, which we called “Welbee.” The story of Welbee is one for another post, but (spoiler alert!) that didn’t explode into a successful venture, either. It was perhaps the failure of yet another all-in attempt at building a profitable business that finally helped me question what I should consider as an acceptable career path and lifestyle.

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The somewhat cult-like worldview I possessed at that point in my life followed no singular charismatic leader or standard ideology. It existed–and likely still exists–in numerous versions across social media channels, organizations, and books, and comes from a variety of people who seem to share a few core beliefs (i.e. self-employment > a job, constant growth in all aspects of life is a must, etc.).

Some branches of the worldview focus more on the spiritual (think: manifestation, astrology, energy, vibrations, yada yada), some more on the physical (fitness, meditation, breath work, etc.), and others more on the entrepreneurial.

My perspective contained hints of them all, but was most deeply rooted in the latter of the three. I was to become an entrepreneur through and through, and the only thing holding me back would be my own beliefs, which I apparently owed it to myself to redefine as a part of this journey. I now understand, though, that some beliefs are developed and held for valuable reasons, whereas others (i.e. those being preached in this realm) are rather one-dimensional.

While my experience hasn’t made me cynical of entrepreneurship as a whole ², I have become skeptical of whether it’s the best path for me–at least at this point in my life.

Sharing a perspective with a community of like-minded individuals that placed self-employment and personal growth on a pedestal felt like the ultimate stage of wisdom and fulfillment. I felt a bizarre level of pride at having achieved such advanced insight at such a young age, but in objective reality, my journey towards genuine personal growth had only just begin. I suppose I needed to believe I had it all figured out, then have that idea blow up in my face, in order to eventually realize I was out of alignment with my values all along.

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Almost exactly one year ago to the day, I began my current role as Influencer Marketing Manager for my company, Gantri. As someone who once judged others for submitting to a lifestyle of being an employee, it’s been a lucky and unexpected twist to find myself in that very position, and happier than I ever was previously in my career. The “freedom” I boasted as a founder–with its accompanying lack of stable income and refusal to accept satisfaction or complacency–didn’t feel all that free. Having a finite list of responsibilities and a life outside of work, though, has turned out to be a much more fulfilling version of the sentiment.

The moral of my story is not that one can’t be a happy and successful entrepreneur; it’s that I wasn’t one, but was fully convinced that I was. In reflection I tend to wonder: if I could believe my worldview to be true and superior with every ounce of my being, and then find out that it never really was, then how can I (or anyone) ever really feel sure about their beliefs? I think this is why I now place so much value on critical thinking and open-mindedness.

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In our algorithmic social landscape, it’s extremely difficult to avoid forming strong opinions that tie us to specific groups or identities. I carry some shame around how stuck I became to my ideology a few years ago, but can recognize that as a human being, this wasn’t that unusual. Whether we rant about the latest bill proposed by the opposing political party, push nutritional supplements for an organization that’s “definitely not a pyramid scheme,” or drop our life savings on an NFT, the things we’re exposed to have a pretty direct impact on what we believe and care about, and therefore on how we live our lives.

Although lately I do my best to steer clear of ideological rabbit holes, I’m still a human being with values, interests and beliefs, and perhaps that’s not inherently a bad thing. I do, however, make a conscious effort to remain open-minded, and to expose myself to ideas that challenge my own. I’m not quite sure who I’ll be or what I’ll value most in 5-10 years (let alone one), but there’s freedom in that. Rather than cement myself to an identity that preaches freedom, I’ve freed myself from the bounds of a non-negotiable identity entirely.

Was this change of mind worth over $6000, though? I suppose that’s open to interpretation. All I can say is I’m grateful for where I’m at now, and that feeling is priceless.

Definitely would love to have that money, though.

-Max

1. I’ve worked with several clients over the years, many of whom actually made amazing progress with their physiques and physical health (and some of whom are still supporting me today as subscribers to this very blog). My feelings towards my beliefs at this time affect neither the admiration nor the gratitude I feel towards those individuals.

2. Listening to Guy Raz interview successful founders on “How I Built This” nearly every day for months on end taught me that the founders who do build successful businesses are some of the most relentless, passionate, and impressive people on the planet.