Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
I think I finally figured it out, but jeez that took a while
This post will probably only be relevant to a small handful of folks, and that particular group may not even align with any of you actually reading it.
Still, the principles involved are probably relevant to other goals and endeavors, and also, if it’s not relevant to you now, it may be one day.
Ellie and I moved to Charleston just after Thanksgiving in November of 2021, and today, almost two and a half years later, I’m finally reaching a place of having friends I like and feel I can depend on.
The long-term nature of this project has certainly not been the result of a lack of trying.
In fact, I’ve had a few different groups I thought might each be “the one” at their respective times, but for a variety of reasons, none of those worked out, and I don’t really talk to any of them anymore.
Before you ask, yes, I’m open to the possibility that I am the problem. I feel pretty confident that I’m (usually) not, but I could definitely be super annoying or difficult or overbearing and just not realize it. Considering my open-mindedness to this idea, let’s proceed on the assumption that this is not the case.
And if you know me personally and feel otherwise, give me a call later and break the news gently, please.
The Problem(s)
Making new friends is like dating, except for a few key differences:
In regular dating, the assumption is that you end up with just one person, so if someone doesn’t check certain boxes for you, it’s not unreasonable to be honest about that (in a respectful way). If you meet up with a potential new friend, though, and you don’t want to see them again but they do want to see you again, you can’t exactly say “sorry I’ve met my friend quota and you didn’t make the cut!” There’s almost never a reason you can give someone as to why you don’t want to be friends with them that isn’t about them personally.
Forming new friendships does not involve the use of labels or stages. The standard process is pretty much that the more you spend time with someone who you get along with, the closer you feel to each other, and you kind of just hope the other person is feeling the same way. If on my third friend date with a guy I told him “I think I’m ready to stop going on friend dates with other guys - how do you feel about that?” I do believe he would find that very strange.
People behave in unique ways as friends. Some might want to just go out drinking with you on weekends and not really talk much outside of that, and some might want to send you memes and have silly little text conversations and facetime calls with you on a daily basis. I can’t know the kind of friend someone is going to be, nor can I know the kind of friend someone will expect me to be. And sure, I could bring this up as a conversation, but even the most emotionally intelligent among us would agree that, with a new friend, that’d be a little intense.
Some other miscellaneous reasons friend dating is weird:
You can never know whether someone has ulterior motives in getting to know you, such as romantic or sexual ones
Adult social activities tend to revolve around alcohol, and if you don’t drink–or just prefer to soberly spend time with friends–many of the people you’re befriending may not like that or understand it
Similar to the alcohol one, the amount of money someone is willing to spend on social activities can vary greatly, and it’s easy to not be aligned on this
I could go on, but at the end of the day, it’s hard to meet new people at all when you’re an adult, let alone form meaningful, long-lasting friendships with them.
The Reason
I’m no expert, but I do think about this quite often, and I think it has to do with the fact that most of us grow up with friend-making being a built-in feature of our environment.
Think: school, camp, extracurricular activities. It isn’t really until we leave grade school or college that we aren’t suddenly surrounded by an ocean of people the same age as us, probably from somewhere close to us, and who are experiencing things very similar to us at the same time as us, and who are ALSO most likely interested in making friends.
The less of these factors you find applying to your situation as an adult, the harder it is to both meet new people and to relate to them, not to mention to know if they are even in the market for new friends.
When you move to a new city where you don’t know anyone, and especially when your job is remote and you don’t even have a workplace to go to and meet people, you literally have to create any opportunity to meet a potential friend out of thin air.
This is exactly what I’ve done, however, and now that I’ve found some success with it, I’d like to round out this piece by sharing the few things that have made a legitimate difference for me…
My Advice
Bumble BFF
I went into using this app with a high level of skepticism, and rightfully so. The percentage of guys I would consider genuine potential friend matches in my feed on this app is usually pretty slim. However, putting my pride aside to be a straight guy swiping right on other (usually) straight guys has been the single most effective thing for me in making new friends.
It helps to have a strong filter (pay attention to how someone messages, how they present themselves on their profile, etc.) and to be picky about who you actually decide to meet up with in person. BUT, it also helps have the humility to be willing to spend an hour or two with someone you might never want to see again. It will definitely take a few tries before you and a friend date really click.
NOTE: Other apps/platforms I’ve heard can be similarly useful are Meetup and Facebook Groups.
Be willing to meet anyone
“My friend from college lives super close to you! You guys should totally meet up I think you’d get along.” We probably won’t.
“Hey man I think my other buddy is gonna join us at the bars tonight. He’s cool you’ll like him.” Doubt it.
“This bathroom line is crazy long, man. What’s your name?” What are the odds you still remember it in two minutes?
These may all be potentially really annoying or unproductive interactions, but in a phase of making new friends, I think you should engage with all of them.
Making friends is a game of 1) surface area and 2) depth. You have to cast a wide net, then invest time and energy in the connections within that net with which you see potential. Being willing to meet and even just randomly talk to more people is worth it for that possible one who you’ll actually really enjoy spending time with.
Know when they’re not the one
As I mentioned earlier, there were plenty of individuals and groups I walked away from before finding the friends I have now. While I usually had a fun time with those people, and I know none of them are bad people, there were some themes as to why the friendships were likely never meant to work out, including:
They already had a solidified friend group, and weren’t really looking for new members
They aren’t the kind of person/people to reach out, so any hangout would have to be initiated from my side, which feels shitty after a while
In the face of a small conflict or disagreement, they weren’t willing to work through it or have an honest conversation, which isn’t a very sustainable approach to relationship-building
They can’t/won’t commit to plans
It’s important to keep an eye out for these kinds of problems, because they usually aren’t going anywhere, and the more time you spend with people who are not your people, the less time you have to find and invest in people who are your people.
Some other misc. advice:
The most interesting people are the most interested. Don’t be afraid of talking about yourself a little, but lean towards asking (and listening) more than telling. The rare individual who does the same for you in return is most likely a gem of a human.
If you start to make progress with multiple individuals and think they might get along, don’t be afraid to trial a group hangout. Groups are often more fun and less pressure for everyone involved. This will take time to both form and settle, but I’ve recently proven to myself that it is, in fact, possible, and can be quite fruitful; helping my separate friends become each other’s friends has been really cool to watch.
Go easy on yourself. Most new friends will not work out for one reason or another, and building meaningful relationships is one of the hardest things a person can do. Be extremely patient, don’t be afraid to exit your comfort zone a bit during the process, and be radically yourself, because at this age you know who you are, and to pretend to be anything otherwise would only make your life harder, and not to mention would attract the wrong kinds of friends.
If you found this piece helpful or relevant, please let me know! And if you didn’t thanks for reading, regardless.
I honestly feel like having to make new friends as an adult has been one of the more rewarding things I’ve done in recent years. It forces you to confront a lot about yourself, how you present, and how you treat others. It’s scary and extremely difficult at times, but so are most things worth doing in life.
-Max